Earlier this week in Louisiana, the parents of a 16-year-old boy sued the local school board over a nine-hour threesome their son had with two attractive female English teachers at his school. One of the teachers -- who had had previous sexual relations with the boy -- picked him up after a high school football game and drove him to the other teacher's apartment. There, according to sworn testimony, the three engaged in a sex marathon that didn't conclude until the following morning.
The parents claim in their lawsuit that as a result of this harrowing and traumatic experience, their son has experienced "emotional distress, mental anguish, humiliation and reputational damage."
I'll give you all a minute to stop laughing.
First, don't you know this kid has to be the coolest high schooler ever to be able to pull this off? I'm picturing Tom Cruise in Risky Business, during the second half of the movie after Rebecca DeMornay had humped the shyness out of him. Not only did he charm a hot teacher out of her clothes, but he was such a stud in the sack that she implored her colleague to get in on the action. Think about it. How else could this threesome have come to pass other than the first teacher calling the second teacher and saying, "Keep this between us, but I'm sleeping with this kid from my English class and he's such a hot piece of ass that I feel guilty keeping him to myself and not sharing. Clear your schedule for Friday night and I'll show you what I mean. You won't be sorry."
And this is a tiny town in Louisiana. There's zero doubt these are the two hottest teachers in the school system, and probably the only hot teachers. I grew up in a town of about 30,000 and went to a big high school and through 12 years of school didn't have a teacher who approached the hotness of either of these women. And this 16-year-old is sleeping with both of them. At the same time. He has Trump-level swag.
But I digress. The first thing that stands about this story is the same absurd dichotomy that exists in every male-student-sleeps-with-hot-teacher story. The local newspapers and the police reports repeatedly refer the boy as "victim." Yet if you read the paragraph about how the teachers got caught, you find this gem: "The sheriff's office was tipped off after school officials reported that the unidentified student was bragging to friends about his exploits."
So the so-called victim was going around bragging to everyone he knows about this awful crime that was perpetrated upon him. Seriously, who does that? What actual victim brags to his friends about being victimized?
Can you imagine this happening with any other crime?
"Dude, I gotta tell you about my weekend. I got held up at the ATM, bro. Guy snuck up from behind and pressed the cold steel right to my temple. I coughed up the loot like that, bro." [Does the Jay-Z brushing his shoulders off motion.]
"Bro, you hear about my financial advisor? That investment plan he swore would double the market was a total Ponzi. The 50 grand I gave him is gone, bro. Who's the man?"
It's patently absurd, right? If you're bragging about it afterward, you probably weren't the victim of a crime. I'll concede that female teachers who do this should be fired and stripped of their teaching certification, but for media members to perch themselves on their high horses and imply that a hot 30-year-old woman making a 16-year-old male's fantasies come true constitutes some heinous crime is laughable.
Every one of these hypocritical media clowns -- the male ones at least -- would have killed at 16 to be in this kid's shoes. And they definitely wouldn't have considered themselves victims, nor would they have excoriated the teacher if they were the lucky recipients of her so-called criminal behavior. And they probably would have bragged about it to their buddies.
Which brings me to my most important point.
If you're a 16-year-old male who's lucky enough to be sleeping with your hot teacher (or two), keep your damn mouth shut and do not tell a soul. Seriously. If I ever have a son, this will be the central theme when we have the birds-and-bees talk: If you're in high school and you get a hot teacher into bed, you're in the luckiest 0.00001% of high school kids in the world. The only thing that will come from running your mouth is that you ruin it for everyone involved.
By running their mouths, these kids put at risk the sweetest deal that could possibly be bestowed on a 16-year-old male, and infinitely worse, they put the teacher's career and freedom at risk.
And the only thing they gain in return is social cachet in high school. It's the worst and most uneven trade imaginable that doesn't involve Johnny Manziel.
Here's the deal for anyone 16 or under who might be reading this. I remember being in high school, and I understand that when you're in high school, you think the world revolves around high school and that your high school reputation and popularity represent everything important in life.
But here's the truth: Not only is your high school reputation meaningless, it's ephemeral. It has no carryover to college or whatever you choose to do after high school. When you get to college, you have a clean slate and no one cares how cool you were in high school, how many sports you played, whether you were on the homecoming court, or what your superlative was in the high school yearbook.
If you want proof of this, show up for your first day of college wearing your high school letterman's jacket. You'll be mocked relentlessly and told that it's time to move on.
Your high school reputation ceases to mean anything the minute you walk across that stage and secure that diploma in your hand. Show me someone who's more than a few months removed from high school and still prides himself on his high school reputation, and I'll show you someone who at present is a first rate loser.
Think about how celebrities always describe their high school years. These are some of the most attractive, most talented, most wealthy people in the world, yet not a single one of them admits to being cool in high school. They all claim they were dorks and outcasts who got bullied and were never asked to homecoming or the prom. I think it's usually bullshit -- like there's no way Margot Robbie was never asked out in high school unless 1) guys were intimidated to approach her because she's so hot, 2) the male population at her high school was 100% homosexual, or 3) she's lying about being unpopular -- but it underscores the point that nobody cares or wants to hear about how cool you were in high school after you graduate.
When I hear an adult brag about high school accomplishments, I picture Al Bundy lounging on the couch with his hand in his pants talking about scoring four touchdowns in one game.
And this is why it's beyond stupid to put anything of value at risk in exchange for social capital in high school. And the ability at 16 years old to sleep with a hot teacher who's way out of your league is infinitely more valuable than any amount of high school social capital. The career and reputation of that teacher, who is graciously bestowing her sexual prowess on an undeserving zit-faced teenage punk like you, are infinitely more valuable than your high school reputation.
An illicit dalliance with a hot English teacher is something at which you can look back and smile for the rest of your life. Your high school popularity, by contrast, is something you'll probably -- if you're not a total loser -- demure about within a few months of graduation. After all, it's cooler as an adult to have been a loser in high school than the BMOC.
Don't give up something you can cherish forever for something that will expire worthless next May.
Keep your damn mouth shut.